actually, it’s not me, it’s you
Today was a bad pain day, with crawling out of bed at 11am, spending much of the afternoon with layers of hot water bottle and pain killers, and lots of general misery. When I saw this below picture, I heaved a sigh of relief out loud, that someone out there understands.
Goodbye Monday, don’t wait for my call, don’t come crawling back, don’t think this is just a break. I’m over you.
monday blues
<via the ever talented quoteskine blog>
Read Morehealthier habits: supplements
Having had this life-changing experience of a huge injury has made me re-evaluate a lot of things about the way I live. I recently wrote about finding my fitness, and along with this has come changes to the way I eat, and treat myself.
I am nowadays so much more protective of my abilities, stress-levels, tiredness, and commitment to making myself more and more busy. I spent 3 years having a full-time day job as well as owning a dance school and teaching in excess of 20 hours a week of dance, plus travelling like a crazy lady . This led to perpetual exhaustion, anxiety, and great levels of injury, and I don’t ever want to do that to myself again.
It’s just not worth it, my body is something I have learnt to value, respect, and understand better. It’s not been easy when my first reflex is always to do more, and value my body’s needs last (after my emotional WANTS)!
One of the changes I’ve made in the last 6 weeks has been to start a habit of taking vitamins/supplements. I figure it can’t hurt. My mum is the vitamin queen, and she is one of the healthiest and energetic people I know. I asked for her advice and here’s what she’s put me on:
I’m taking:
- Fancl Vitamin C with Acerola – it has fast absorption properties and come in easy to swallow capsules. Double win for wussy me. This also has Rosehip in it, for good skin.
- Usana Bio Omega (Concentrated Fish Oil) – for its anti-inflammatory properties to help my back pain, and it also should help with my asthma.
- Imedeen Derma One – for it’s apparently youth elixir properties. Look, my mum takes it, and any of you who have met her will agree that she looks about 20 years younger than she is. So I’m totally taking it.
I’ve surprised myself by sticking to it so far – haven’t missed a day. Have I seen a difference? Well, I think my skin is better. I KNOW my immune system is better (no sniffles, coughs despite cold weather). I don’t know if it’s helping with the back pain but I have been on significantly less amounts of pain killers lately (also a conscious decision for better health). I HAVE noticed less muscle soreness after swimming or teaching. I think I’ll need to wait about 3 months to see any true results.
my daily dose
Don’t laugh, but it takes me an entire cup of coffee to down these, I really hate swallowing pills. And sometimes up to 4 whole minutes.
Eventually I will add glucosamine to the mix (for my injury-full body) – but need to find a tablet that is good and easy to swallow. I think I may also
Do you take any supplements/vitamins, and why? Do you feel a marked difference in your health from taking them?
Read Morefinding my fitness
I’ve never really been a horribly unhealthy person – I like good food and feeling energetic a little bit too much for that. I’ve never in my life been overweight, or even flabby, nor have I ever succumbed to smoking or eating fast food too much. Having this back injury though, has given me months of reflective solitude to think about the changes I wanted to make in order to live more healthily on several levels, not just a physical one.
I’ve always been incredibly body-fit, and all because of dance. I really do think dance is one of the most complete exercise/fitness programs you can commit to, as long as you’re training with the right technique and are using your entire body. Because of dance, I’ve been lucky enough to have a toned body which I love, and hold good stamina, strength and flexibility.
Lately, because of my injury, I’ve been interested in building different healthy habits for my future self. I spent my twenties dancing almost every other day, if not daily, so exercise for me was an incidental of my daily life and work. It’s really easy to stay fit and healthy when you’re young, but I really wanted to master some life changing habits to take with me through later years. Ironically, without this injury, I would never have taken the time to think about this, and implement them.
One of the things I truly admire in people is their ability and drive to go to the gym, or get their daily dose of exercise. Dance has been my only exercise, and I hate gyms (actually, I’m rather scared of them because all those crazy machines! They look… scary!) Dancing makes me feel alive in a way no other exercise/sport does. But I’ve now realised that I really need to cultivate a healthy passion for daily exercise because dancing may be limited to me as an activity from here on out. And I certainly want to remain active in older years! Things I’ve done so far:
- tried Bikram yoga (eager to get back into it once I’m better)
- started swimming (for as long as I don’t have a day job, I want to try and stick to swimming every other day)
- contemplated walking around neighbourhood (I really hate walking)
- pilates (love it, but it’s expensive because I need one-on-one at the moment)
- tennis lesson (so bad at it, but enjoyable – want to try again once I’m better)
The biggest thing is swimming, of course. So far I’ve managed to stick it out the most, and this last week I’ve been every single day. I still dislike it, and find it really difficult. Lots of people say I should feel so much pain relief floating around in the water. No, all I feel is STUPID POOL VIBES. 
My goal is to find some activities I really enjoy, and then stick to trying to do them every other day at least. It’s really awful, trying everything and just not liking them, especially how much I LOVE dancing, but I know that I have to keep at it until my body starts enjoying the endorphin rush rather than the activity itself. One of the things I can’t do is put on weight because Mr Spine will just hate it, and since I’ve greatly reduced the amount of dance I’m doing (by about 80%), I really have to keep on top of it.
What are your exercise options, and how did you get into a routine of it? Do you enjoy your activity of choice, or do you do it because you adore it? Do you have any ideas for someone who can’t do a great deal of movement at the moment?
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day 2 after epidural – update
I just thought I’d let all of you know after my last post, that I’m feeling much better.
Saturday was a really hard day, with combination of pains and a pretty bad fever in the evening that lasted hours. It got to 10pm, and I was pretty hot, sweaty, and weak, and S told me not to go, but in the end I just made it to our anniversary party and I’m SO glad I did (even though I don’t remember much of it!) – it was lovely to see how many people came down to celebrate with us, and our teams and couples performing so incredibly.
If you were there and I failed to say hello to you – I’m very sorry! I was seriously delirious! I was almost in tears seeing so many of our old and new students all there in our gorgeous space, and it was amazing, when I asked who in the room had been students of ours from when we first started 4 years ago, and to see so many hands go up. In particular, it was lovely to have so many of our pro team members from over the years up there with us. Everyone has contributed so much to our lovely little community, and for that I was so grateful to have been there to see it.
Today, the pain has been much better – I’ve managed to be off painkillers from after lunch, and after a 15 hour sleep last night, shrugged off the fever. I can still feel twinges of pain down my legs and where the needle went in, but it’s totally bearable. Also managed to cook us dinner, so I must be feeling a LOT better! I also got to enjoy some of the last of our warm weather out in the garden, watching my lovely man get all dirty and manly with a shovel.
the new roses S helped me plant this weekend
By tomorrow I hope to be in barely any pain (coz the cortizone should’ve kicked in) and I want to start my daily swim. The idea is, I use this 2 week window of pain relief to get my body up to strengthening some. S tells me to chill for another day, but I reaaaallly want to, even just a gentle swim. Mental note: 2 weeks of pain relief is NOT the time for me to dance like a crazy lady, and I MUST establish boundaries for myself!
Thank you EVERYONE for your lovely well wishes. It has truly been an overwhelming weekend, with turmoil, pain, happiness, joy, gratitude, love, anger, sadness, and a WHOLE lot of WOW.
Read Morehow my spine is goeth, & p-r-o-c-e-d-u-r-e-s
I’m really sorry for not posting for a while, folks. It’s been a tremendous week both in terms of busy-ness and personal turmoil, and I just didn’t feel the energy nor inspiration to blog. You already probably know that I’ve been suffering from a significant back injury for coming onto 7 months now, and it’s really affected my everyday living plus my professional life as a dancer, dance teacher, and owner of a dance school.
Many of you have been asking me for the results from my new surgeon (that I saw 2 weeks ago), and I promise I will get into that in a couple of days – suffice to say that it’s not the really awful news, but it’s certainly bad enough to make me have spent a lot of time in this past week trying to understand the realities of it, trying to come to some decisions about dancing and my dance school, with the new knowledge and reality of what it all is. It’s going to be a long slow recovery, and I truly need to give it a fighting chance to heal if I want to live a normal life again, with my normal career and all.
Plus, ON TOP of the above bad spine news, it’s been a rather intense week with highs and lows -
- A day after receiving my medical results, some lovely hater from the salsa scene decided to use FB as a means to try and denounce me, once again. Incredible stuff, being somewhat bullied and defamed online for NO reason, just as I was keeping a low profile online due to my trying to deal with my news and make some dancing decisions, and logged in only to see this rubbish going on. This HASN’T endeared me to staying in the dance scene, and is a reminder of just how poor human behavior can sink.
- But in contrast, the highs, oh joy, this week I also got to put so much energy into training 2 gorgeous couples on my team and some teams with their brand new routines which are so smashing and the pride that ensued was incredible, reminding me of the sheer joy dance, choreographing and teaching gives me.
- I’ve also had to plan for Spin City Dance’s 4th anniversary party (which is tonight!) and this brought upon so much emotion that I have no idea how I could ever quit. My baby, my dance school, my business I started with just a few thousand dollars, and we’re 4 years old, with our own gorgeous building, a staff team that dazzles, and contributing so amazingly to the Australian Latin Dance scene.
So bittersweet, to be celebrating this and not knowing where the way forward is in my own ability to continue dancing. I’m confused, folks, so excuse the next week or 2 of me trying to get through this fog.
ANYWAYS, I’m trying to bring you up to speed with my P-R-O-C-E-D-U-R-E, so, in the midst of all this, to kick start the healing process, my surgeon recommended an epidural “procedure” for my spine.
I really hate that anything remotely unpleasant done to someone by a doctor is referred to as a “procedure”. Now, I know this turn of phrase is so it doesn’t sound all OOH AHH BAD AWFUL THINGS, but to someone who is horribly averse to anything needle related, and when all my family lives in a different country and can’t be with them in this tough time, it’s all been a bit scary.
Yesterday, I booked into the absolutely amazing Olympic Park Radiology, and their team of doctors were just heroes. I am horrifically afraid of needles. And an epidural one, not a regular stick-it-in-take-it-out-there-you’re-done one. I’m so terrified, that the doctor started explaining what they were about to do, and tears started rolling down my cheek like a poor orphan child. It would’ve been funny, the drama of it all, if I wasn’t seriously so scared I nearly pooped myself. I’m not even exaggerating.
<a href="Patient Getting Bad News">Source</a>
Basically, first they sedated me in a huge way (to the point where I was seriously having a party in there all by myself, the nurses were giggling at the transformation from clammy crying girl to WOOSA ROCK ON girl), then they took a CT scan of my spine. They marked off where the epidural needle was to go in, then positioned it all. Stuck needle in, took another CT scan, patted me, cooed, and all this time, I was HAVING A PARTY people, as in, they could’ve put music on and I would’ve danced, I was that out of it.
When they finally got the position right (2 goes), they inserted the needle 5.5cm into my spine, filled it with a pocket of anesthetic, and then pumped me full of cortisone. That was the weirdest feeling in the world – because my disc is impinging directly on my leg nerves, the cortisone literally felt like my legs were being filled with gas. Like at the gas station. Cue Sharon giggling uproariously, crying out “THIS FEELS SOOOOO WEEEIIIIRDDDD DUDE.”
To his credit, the amazing doctor agreed with me, going “I KNOW SO COOL HUH, KEEP INHALING ON THAT SEDATIVE STUFF!” And I am nothing, if not obedient with charming men with British accents.
It was all over in about half an hour and they gave me timtams, a cup of tea and made me stay in their hospital bed until the come down from the sedatives happened.
(HILARITY – I had to sign a consent form saying I would not drive a car, operate heavy machinery, drink alcohol or make any big decisions 24 hours after the p-r-o-c-e-d-u-r-e).
I guess that means no making any teary alcohol-fueled decisions about the dancing until tomorrow.
S got me home pretty quickly, and apparently I swayed back and forth from being incredibly chirpy to teary and scared, all the way home. A few hours after I got home, the pain started. The doctor had warned me about this – apparently I may be in MORE pain than I had been for 36-48 hours after it all. Joy, those of you who have seen me with pain/painkillers will understand this means NO HAPPINESS.
And the pain, it’s been bad. Spent the evening last night crying, yelling, screaming, and generally hurling epithets at my SAINT of a man, from the shooting pains down my legs, the back, the hips. S ran around generally trying to soothe me, but realised the futility when he offered me ice cream and I told him what him and his ice cream could go do to itself (and it wasn’t a very nice thing at all). The doctor said I would be woozy/sleepy for 2 days – well he lied, I didn’t get to sleep till 2am and then eyes came open startledly at 6am from the pain restarting its epic ravaging of me and my body.
Today I’m in less pain (not crying or shrieking) but definitely have my jaw clenched shut firmly and my brow furrowed (S told me I was going to get wrinkles and I didn’t even CARE). I’m really hoping to make it to the studio tonight if only for an hour – the doctor told me VERY firmly that I was to spend the entire weekend lying down, and not doing ANYTHING, like not even out for a gentle coffee.
I’m also really aware that this isn’t a fix – it’s a 2 week pain-relief solution, and will allow me to swim everyday and get some physio down to heal a bit more, so needless to say my mind isn’t in a great place. I don’t know where I’ll be in 4 weeks, or 6 months, and truth be told, am a bit anxious about the number of decisions I have to make and the impacts they may potentially have on the dance scene I’ve been a part of for coming on 9 years, and my dance school with its fabulous teams. I’m scared of the difficulty of it all, and terrified of some of the ideas that have come flying out in my low moments.
And that’s where I am.
I’m sorry I don’t have anything happier to say – I do, I have great news, some nice blog posts lined up, some collaborations I want to share with you, and some more constructive ways to put forth the ideas that I have for the future with an exciting new business project – but for now, I thought it was important to let you all know how I’m going (since i haven’t been able to respond to the incredible deluge of well-wishes).
If you have ANY thoughts or ideas for me, I’d LOVE to hear them. AND I really hope those of you in Melbourne can make it down to the Spin City 4th Birthday bash tonight, we’d love to see you there. Truly.
I’d really like to finish off this epic lengthed (if you’ve made it thus far) post with this quote, from Frank Sinatra:
“Those who have talent must hug it, embrace it, nurture it and share it lest it be taken away from you as fast as it was loaned to you.
Trust me. I’ve been there.”
Love,
me, the pain, the supposed killers of them, and my extremely poor state of mind.
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