Tonight the pain is especially bad. Usually I avoid posting when I'm feeling like this (which is horribly often) - I don't believe in being angst-filled or bitter on my blog, and usually when the pain is this bad, it's all I can do to not let all the madness of ongoing, debilitating, life-strangling pain cause emotive, poor writing. Tonight though, I've got the hot water bottle on, the trashy tv on in the background, the hot cuppa tea, but have failed to distract myself. Instead, I'll try for some distraction via personal pep-talking.
Things to be grateful for:
- I live in a beautiful home with wonderful man
- I love my family who in turn, loves me to bits
- I have amazing friends who make up the gorgeous tapestry that is my life
- I am feeling more motivated nowadays
- I am no longer on perpetual painkillers, and can remember the simple beauty of each day
- I have clearly defined goals and path, and that is solidifying
- I have other skills and talents besides dancing
- I am valued for ME, not my ability to move, dance, and do things
- I can still make contributions to peoples' lives, I just have to figure out how
- I am enjoying a new range of hobbies that I wouldn't have if not for this injury
- I have learnt a lot about me and my strengths under duress and pain
- I have learnt a lot about people and the world I live in due to all of this
- I have learnt to relate to people in different ways
- and of course, there is still hope.
With all the above going for me, I can only conclude that it could be worse. I have everything going for me, and I must keep remembering that this dastardly thing is but a mere blot on an otherwise blessed existence. This is a temporary state, this is only a small subsection of my lifetime, and this is not enough to kill my spirit. It's not, it's not, it's not. And even if the pain NEVER goes away, as it sometimes seems it will do, I will be able to live with it, and harness the learnings from it throughout my life.
Rinse, repeat, and let's hope I can get some sleep tonight.