only slightly hysterical

I lived in an apartment for 7 years, meaning my comfort with insects, vermin, and other pests was greatly controlled and exposure was rare. Basically anything that could GET to the 20th floor, was all I knew of, and could tolerate. Creepy crawlies are not for me. *shudder* Since moving into our house, I've somehow overcome much of this squeamishness, and have tolerated the co-existence of spiders, some small bugs, and various flying things that seem to emerge as the weather warms up. I even sometimes sit in the garden, enjoying the serenity, scents from the lovely flowers, and work in the sun, even though I know I am being exposed to the dangers of these critters. Yes. THE DANGERS OF WORKING IN YOUR OWN GARDEN. I brave them!

Until a few days ago, when I found these:

unknown insect

Major shriek moment right?

unidentified insect

scary bug

What are they? Are they going to kill me? Do they bite? Are they poisonous? Do they fly? Is it an infestation? HELP. SAVE ME FROM THE GIANT 2 INCH LONG SCARY LOOKING BUGS. Please help me enjoy my garden again by either helping me identify that it's HARMLESS, or helping me with plans to obliterate them because I'm sure they are actually dangerous and death causing.